As you prepare to celebrate the holidays with your family, you might feel overwhelmed or nervous. Many variables will influence the overall enjoyment of a family gathering. However, you can only control one of the variables – yourself. It is impossible to stop Uncle Mike from ranting endlessly about his offensive political views. You can bet on Grandma Sue asking when you and your partner plan to have a baby. Since you cannot summon up magical powers to silence others (unless you are a wizard, of course), there is only one thing you can do – prepare and manage yourself. So, with that in mind, here are a few steps to avoid salty exchanges and sweeten the experience for yourself and everyone else.
Center Yourself
Have you ever arrived at a relative’s house for a festive gathering and felt some strange and invisible transformation? Somehow, as you walked across the threshold, you mutated from your confident and wise self into an old and familiar role of family decision-maker, helper, peacemaker, or contrarian?
To avoid getting swept up into some prior version of yourself, you must take inventory of who you are. Before the holiday event, take a few minutes to connect with your sense of truth, your soul, and your deeply held identity. This short reflection on the website Grateful Living might help you get grounded. Pay attention to how it feels when you bring awareness to the essence of who you are and promise to return to this sense of yourself!
Make a contingency plan for what you will do when you notice yourself shrinking under scrutiny or feel your chest tightening in anger. Set an expectation that you can go outside for a short walk, retrieve something (say, a calmer state of mind) from your car, or find a quieter space in the house if the chaos and mayhem become too much. It will be ok if you take 1-2 minutes to breathe in and out slowly to remember who you are.
Manage Boundaries
According to Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships while protecting your emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Boundaries are a form of self-care as they create perimeters with yourself and others, allowing you to know when to say no or yes.
Family members often cross physical and emotional boundaries as they hug us without permission or ask prying questions about our weight, jobs, or romantic relationships. Thinking about boundaries and potential boundary violations before you arrive at the gathering can prepare you for the inevitable.
When Uncle Mike starts telling you how right he is about a controversial topic, you can take a deep breath, calmly look him in the eye, and say, “Hey, I hear how important it is to you. I have views, too. Let’s talk about something we have in common: what do you think of the Detroit Lions making it to the Super Bowl?” If you believe Uncle Mike could engage in a thoughtful conversation that includes opposing views, perhaps you and he can determine a time for a follow-up dialogue. However, the middle of the family gathering is probably not the right time or place.
Or, when Grandma Sue asks you about your plans for having a baby, you can pause, center yourself, and respond with, “I hear your excitement about us becoming parents. If, or when, there is a time for an announcement like this, you will be one of the first to know.” By anticipating boundary crossings, you will feel more comfortable navigating them when they arise in real-time.
Drink in Moderation
It might start with just one or two glasses of wine to ease nerves and lighten the mood. However, if the drinking continues past dinner and dessert, it can make it trickier to navigate heated situations as your impulsivity increases and self-control decreases. What might feel like “getting the truth off your chest” at the moment could have a long-lasting effect on your relationships. Too much alcohol can derail the best intentions around how you will manage difficult situations.
If you make a plan for how much alcohol you will consume, it can help. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has valuable resources for setting limits. Consider what you know about your tolerance and how alcohol affects your mood. Gender matters when it comes to alcohol consumption, too, because women’s bodies metabolize alcohol more quickly with more prolonged effects. Don’t be afraid to enlist the help of other family members to commit to a managed drinking approach for yourself. And, of course, transportation home from the event is always an essential consideration with alcohol.
Reflect With Self-Compassion
Even if you are centered, enforce boundaries, and manage your alcohol consumption, you are likely to encounter some bumpy interactions with your family. Maybe you responded abruptly to an overly personal question, or you walked away mid-sentence when a relative started discussing his opinion about a political topic. Or, you might regret not speaking up when someone said something unkind. No matter how hard you try, you will likely make mistakes at the family gathering. So then what?
First, take notice of your regrets as they give clues about what matters to you. If you think you need to make repairs for something you did or said, then apologize. Also, reflect on what you did well. If you centered yourself and considered your boundaries, you probably took some steps forward in handling challenging moments. There is always next time, and you can continue to improve.
Lastly, consider this suggestion (and check out her site for lots of sound wisdom) from self-compassion expert Kristen Neff, PhD, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Seek Professional Help As Needed
The recommendations above are offered in a light-hearted, well-meaning way. They are not a substitute for therapeutic work. If you struggle with depression or anxiety or if you have experienced trauma, you might benefit from the help of a professional therapist. And, if there is unhealed trauma resulting from abuse, the suggestions in this article aren’t going to be sufficient for you to navigate the complexities of your family. If this last paragraph resonates with you, please consider looking for a therapist to support you. An investment in therapy will provide returns for years to come in all of your relationships, including the most important relationship – the one you have with yourself.